your room smells of hookers.
And success
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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