Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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