So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
