im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
