i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
