he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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