You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
