I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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