U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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