went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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