stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
