You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
