Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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