I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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