I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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