They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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