I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
