I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
