I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
