I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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