sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
