I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
