How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
