I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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