why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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