my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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