i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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