remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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