I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
40s are totally the cure
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
