sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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