He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I will pee on everything he values.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
