3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
