it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
