I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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