the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
They took my balls.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
