I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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