I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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