Dude my mom stole all your condoms
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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