tell your sister to shave her snatch
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm at about main and main street
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize