I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
