Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
