I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
