you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
