I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Semen is not good for contacts.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
