I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
