The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
