That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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