i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
