I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
