i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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