Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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