ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
