my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
