also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
