cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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