Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
