The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
