Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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