I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize