Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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