I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
