i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
