Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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