I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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