i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
