Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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