ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
sex in a hospital.. check
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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