Moan for me like Helen Keller
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You are a genius and a whore.
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