fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
