did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
