I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My vagina is very pro this idea
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
